Finding a Starting Point

This is a warning to those who read this. This post is not a carefully thought out post of mine that I regularly do. This will be an entire post according to my stream of conciousness. I really don't care if you read this or not. I just need a place to share what I am thinking and what I am feeling. And right now, I'm feeling kinda shitty. It is 8:35 and I'm laying in bed, ready to go to sleep. Jayme and Kate are being all coupley and I'm not really in the mood to be around that. I just don't want to be around that tonight. I am a person who wishes I could be apart of a couple. But I'm not allowed to, apparently. I'm not what people would consider "normal". I've never been to a night/dance club. I really don't go out to bars; at least not alone. I don't go out to places with the intention of finding a girl to take home and fuck. I don't have sex. Go ahead and laugh at that fact all you want. It is the normal reaction when I tell someone that. I have spent my free time taking apart a computer to paint the case. I play computer games. I prefer to play by myself. I don't like other people, for the most part. I have a certain tolerance for stupidity, and it is exceeded easily when I am around people. Most men my age keep a box of condoms in the drawer in the night stand next to their bed. Mine holds the remote for the surround sound system for my computer. I have not bought condoms in three years. I'm not optimisitic in my current outlook with life. I was finally happy with myself until she tore it all apart. I wonder if I was some sort of game for her while she waited for something better to come along. I know that I'm not attractive. I know that girls don't like me. I am aware of the situation around me. I blame myself for everything bad that has happened to me that involves girls. I messed up so they dumped me. I shouldn't have asked out the girls in the first place. If I start talking to a girl, I don't tell people. I don't tell people cause they do two things: ask so many fucking questions I want to behead them; or they start giving me "advice" for dating, etc. Then they ask the wrong question at the wrong time. I'm not the guy who goes up to a girl that I think is cute and just talks to her. I don't know how to talk to girls. I'm pretty sure the reason why the girls who talk to me do so because they are "safe". I hate girl's boyfriends. Why? Cause I say "Hi" to their girlfriend, they automatically assume that I'm hitting on her and interested in her. Then I get a text message from a random guy telling me to back off and I have to choose my words carefully cause I want to keep her as a friend. I can control myself. I prefer not to. Why? I don't like pretending to be what I'm not. I am offensive on so many levels that it is not funny. I will tell you how I see something. I don't care if you think I'm correct. I don't give two shits if you think I'm offensive or if I need to watch my tongue. Why should I? It is not who I am. Maybe this is the reason why I am alone. Anyone out there who reads this know? I know I'm not good enough. I know that a girl needs to be pretty desperate to even consider me as an option. I can accept my role as the last resort. I can accept my role as the girl's desperate drunk fuck. Yet I will always be that friend who you can call at 3 AM when you need a ride home and I will go get you. You can call me if you're having a bad day and just talk. I will be there when the douchebag boyfriend cheats on you and you find out. Yet being there for people doesn't help you in the long run. I was there for this girl for half a year. I watch her go through guy after guy after guy who all just end up hurting her. I finally get a small chance and then she tells me "I don't think we're compatible". What. The. Fuck. I have only been good at flirting with a girl once in my life. And that lasted a week and I have never been the same since that. I'm coming to the conclusion that girls are all talk. They will sit there and tell you all these things through text messages but never actually follow through with it. Well, they will follow through with it. With another guy. That is not me. I guess I'm just the middle man. I'm the guy a girl talks to when she is waiting for another guy to come along. I've felt that most of my relationships have always been about keeping her happy. What about my feelings? My wants? My needs? Only one provided that I was a fucking moron and threw it away. But it is for the better now. She's marrying a guy who is ten times better than I could ever hope to be. You know, you think that after almost two years since being with her would make it easy to hang out with her, it wasn't easy. I went to visit her and I felt like the one who was just kinda there. Watching her be happy with another guy made me feel even more like a fucking idiot and I realized that I still had feelings for her. I also kinda felt like she was trying to prove a point. It was like "Look what you gave up". And I'm always the odd one out. The third/fifth wheel. Being invited because they feel like they have to more than they want to hang out with me. Example: being invited to go bowling on Couple's Night. 5 people go. Guess who is the single. Me. I always have been. I will always be that single friend. I took my lesbian friend to a wedding cause I didn't want to show up without a "date". She looked absolutely gorgeous, by the way. I find it kinda funny. I can ask 10 different people for advice on girls and they all give me different answers. I have tried a lot of things. And they never work for me. I do the same thing that another guy does; it works for him, but not for me. Another guy does it; it is romantic. I try it; I'm a moron. There is a possibility that I'm going after the wrong girls. Either way, I still blame myself. I shouldn't of asked out all those girls who stood me up. I shouldn't have bothered them. I often wonder if I will be alone for the rest of my life. Think about it: Most people find their long term boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance while in High School or College. I didn't date anyone in high school until my senior year. I didn't date anyone at college. All the other guys my age in High School are getting laid and I'm trying to work up the nerves to tell a girl I think she is cute. But it doesn't matter if I tell her or not. I'm just that weird guy they ask for help when there is no one else around. For my Senior Photography Show, there were six of us: Amber, Audrey, Kym, Linda, Katie, and myself. I remember the night of the reception clearly. Everyone has family that comes to see their show. Except one. The girls' boyfriends show up, most with flowers or some sort of gift. I had a few friends show up, and I love those people and I am forever grateful that they showed up for me. But at the same time you have something you are proud of and you don't have the close loved ones to share it with until days later. I most likely looked like shit during it because I never slept during the part of my school year. I was a constant at the art building at all hours of the day/night. I slept for like two hours a night and a nap or two between classes on a regular schedule that my friends knew where to wake me up at for class everyday. I felt like a zombie and most likely looked like one. Alcohol was a constant fuel source for me. Sometimes I wonder if people just take me for granted. Knowing that if they ask me to do something, that I will do it, and do it to the best of my ability. I know that some people don't do this because they are lazy and know that they can get me to do it for them. It is impossible to tell. I just don't know where to start to get myself back on track. I want to go out on a date. A REAL date. I want to pick a girl up, tell her she looks beautiful, take her to a nice quiet place and have an amazing meal with her. Then take her home, and kiss her goodnight. If anyone knows how this can happen, please let me know in the comments. I would like more comments. I know that most of my posts don't call for them, but I would like think that people actually read this in its entirety. Let me know everyone once in a while that I'm not wasting my time. Thusly ends my stream for the time being. My brain is starting to hurt.