Finding a Starting Point

This is a warning to those who read this. This post is not a carefully thought out post of mine that I regularly do. This will be an entire post according to my stream of conciousness. I really don't care if you read this or not. I just need a place to share what I am thinking and what I am feeling. And right now, I'm feeling kinda shitty. It is 8:35 and I'm laying in bed, ready to go to sleep. Jayme and Kate are being all coupley and I'm not really in the mood to be around that. I just don't want to be around that tonight. I am a person who wishes I could be apart of a couple. But I'm not allowed to, apparently. I'm not what people would consider "normal". I've never been to a night/dance club. I really don't go out to bars; at least not alone. I don't go out to places with the intention of finding a girl to take home and fuck. I don't have sex. Go ahead and laugh at that fact all you want. It is the normal reaction when I tell someone that. I have spent my free time taking apart a computer to paint the case. I play computer games. I prefer to play by myself. I don't like other people, for the most part. I have a certain tolerance for stupidity, and it is exceeded easily when I am around people. Most men my age keep a box of condoms in the drawer in the night stand next to their bed. Mine holds the remote for the surround sound system for my computer. I have not bought condoms in three years. I'm not optimisitic in my current outlook with life. I was finally happy with myself until she tore it all apart. I wonder if I was some sort of game for her while she waited for something better to come along. I know that I'm not attractive. I know that girls don't like me. I am aware of the situation around me. I blame myself for everything bad that has happened to me that involves girls. I messed up so they dumped me. I shouldn't have asked out the girls in the first place. If I start talking to a girl, I don't tell people. I don't tell people cause they do two things: ask so many fucking questions I want to behead them; or they start giving me "advice" for dating, etc. Then they ask the wrong question at the wrong time. I'm not the guy who goes up to a girl that I think is cute and just talks to her. I don't know how to talk to girls. I'm pretty sure the reason why the girls who talk to me do so because they are "safe". I hate girl's boyfriends. Why? Cause I say "Hi" to their girlfriend, they automatically assume that I'm hitting on her and interested in her. Then I get a text message from a random guy telling me to back off and I have to choose my words carefully cause I want to keep her as a friend. I can control myself. I prefer not to. Why? I don't like pretending to be what I'm not. I am offensive on so many levels that it is not funny. I will tell you how I see something. I don't care if you think I'm correct. I don't give two shits if you think I'm offensive or if I need to watch my tongue. Why should I? It is not who I am. Maybe this is the reason why I am alone. Anyone out there who reads this know? I know I'm not good enough. I know that a girl needs to be pretty desperate to even consider me as an option. I can accept my role as the last resort. I can accept my role as the girl's desperate drunk fuck. Yet I will always be that friend who you can call at 3 AM when you need a ride home and I will go get you. You can call me if you're having a bad day and just talk. I will be there when the douchebag boyfriend cheats on you and you find out. Yet being there for people doesn't help you in the long run. I was there for this girl for half a year. I watch her go through guy after guy after guy who all just end up hurting her. I finally get a small chance and then she tells me "I don't think we're compatible". What. The. Fuck. I have only been good at flirting with a girl once in my life. And that lasted a week and I have never been the same since that. I'm coming to the conclusion that girls are all talk. They will sit there and tell you all these things through text messages but never actually follow through with it. Well, they will follow through with it. With another guy. That is not me. I guess I'm just the middle man. I'm the guy a girl talks to when she is waiting for another guy to come along. I've felt that most of my relationships have always been about keeping her happy. What about my feelings? My wants? My needs? Only one provided that I was a fucking moron and threw it away. But it is for the better now. She's marrying a guy who is ten times better than I could ever hope to be. You know, you think that after almost two years since being with her would make it easy to hang out with her, it wasn't easy. I went to visit her and I felt like the one who was just kinda there. Watching her be happy with another guy made me feel even more like a fucking idiot and I realized that I still had feelings for her. I also kinda felt like she was trying to prove a point. It was like "Look what you gave up". And I'm always the odd one out. The third/fifth wheel. Being invited because they feel like they have to more than they want to hang out with me. Example: being invited to go bowling on Couple's Night. 5 people go. Guess who is the single. Me. I always have been. I will always be that single friend. I took my lesbian friend to a wedding cause I didn't want to show up without a "date". She looked absolutely gorgeous, by the way. I find it kinda funny. I can ask 10 different people for advice on girls and they all give me different answers. I have tried a lot of things. And they never work for me. I do the same thing that another guy does; it works for him, but not for me. Another guy does it; it is romantic. I try it; I'm a moron. There is a possibility that I'm going after the wrong girls. Either way, I still blame myself. I shouldn't of asked out all those girls who stood me up. I shouldn't have bothered them. I often wonder if I will be alone for the rest of my life. Think about it: Most people find their long term boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance while in High School or College. I didn't date anyone in high school until my senior year. I didn't date anyone at college. All the other guys my age in High School are getting laid and I'm trying to work up the nerves to tell a girl I think she is cute. But it doesn't matter if I tell her or not. I'm just that weird guy they ask for help when there is no one else around. For my Senior Photography Show, there were six of us: Amber, Audrey, Kym, Linda, Katie, and myself. I remember the night of the reception clearly. Everyone has family that comes to see their show. Except one. The girls' boyfriends show up, most with flowers or some sort of gift. I had a few friends show up, and I love those people and I am forever grateful that they showed up for me. But at the same time you have something you are proud of and you don't have the close loved ones to share it with until days later. I most likely looked like shit during it because I never slept during the part of my school year. I was a constant at the art building at all hours of the day/night. I slept for like two hours a night and a nap or two between classes on a regular schedule that my friends knew where to wake me up at for class everyday. I felt like a zombie and most likely looked like one. Alcohol was a constant fuel source for me. Sometimes I wonder if people just take me for granted. Knowing that if they ask me to do something, that I will do it, and do it to the best of my ability. I know that some people don't do this because they are lazy and know that they can get me to do it for them. It is impossible to tell. I just don't know where to start to get myself back on track. I want to go out on a date. A REAL date. I want to pick a girl up, tell her she looks beautiful, take her to a nice quiet place and have an amazing meal with her. Then take her home, and kiss her goodnight. If anyone knows how this can happen, please let me know in the comments. I would like more comments. I know that most of my posts don't call for them, but I would like think that people actually read this in its entirety. Let me know everyone once in a while that I'm not wasting my time. Thusly ends my stream for the time being. My brain is starting to hurt.

OS X vs. Windows

Most people pose the question: Mac or PC? But let's be clear: a Mac is a PC. PC stands for Personal Computer. So the whole "I'm a PC" and "I'm a Mac" ads are incorrect. Every person who owns their own computer and uses it is a PC, or at least in my opinion. I understand that it has become a simple way to differentiate between the two platforms, but it is incorrect. So I like to ask the question: OS X or Windows? That is the main difference between a Macbook Pro and my Compaq Presario CQ60. The other main difference is the fact that Apple assembles the laptop in their own facilities. They do use parts that are readily available from retailers. Microsoft does not make the laptops that Windows ships on. Windows send the current generation OS to the OEMs and they install it and then put their own little touches on it [AKA Bloatware]. These are the two differences in the computers. There are also many others, but those are the base two. All the other differences are just little things on how the OS handles certain things.

I would like to make it known that while I am writing this, I am watching the 2011 WWDC Keynote Address.

1. Upgrading

One thing I love about Windows laptops is the fact that the OEMs make it easy for a person to upgrade their laptop. Need more RAM? Buy a sitck and throw it in. Apple has a much different policy on upgrades. They prefer that you take the laptop or desktop to the local Apple store and have them upgrade the product. But here is the kicker: They overprice the products and what it takes to upgrade them. I know that everything fits together in such a particular way that an average user might not be able to do so on their own. But for the advanced users, we prefer to spend a lot less money for the upgrade part and rip open the computer and do it ourselves. I feel that upgrades are something that everyone should consider when purchasing a computer. When I build a computer for someone, I look to the future. I wonder if they will want to play games, or if they just use the computer for viewing photos and checking email. That helps determine everything that I pick out. I pick out everything for a specific reason.

2. Propritary Ports.

There are some universal ports that we are all familiar with: USB, Firewire, SD. But there are some that are universal to Windows computers, but not on OS X computers. They handle external displays differently. My laptop has a VGA out port on it. Macbooks use a Mini Display Port to handle the external display. They then have a Mini Display Port on all their Apple Cinema Displays so they are "compatible". But if you want to use another display, you have to buy a Mini Display Port adaptor for your input of choice. Apple recently introduced Thunderbolt, formally known as Light Peak. Light Peak is a very promising technology that is able to replace most of not all the cables we have. It is an fiber optic based cable that can carry data, video, and audio. I applaud Apple for taking the chance and incorperating Thunderbolt into their new products. But where are the Thunderbolt connected products? It would have been nice for Apple to collaborate with companies to produce Thunderbolt accessories to accompany the launch. And to top it off, they made the port the same shape as a Mini Display Port.

3. Start Menu Vs. Dock.

I will be honest: I love the OS X dock, to a certain extent. The main issue I have with it is that it take up more screen space than the Windows Taskbar. I always hide the dock. This is not to say that I hate the Windows Taskbar. I am familiar with it. I love it, or at least the later interations. It has become easier to use and more polished. The Win. XP taskbar was a giant mess to me. I have never liked the Quick Launch buttons. They were small, and everytime you did some sort of upgrade or install a new program, it always added a Quick Launch button and a Desktop shortcut. This is fine for an average user. But for someone like me, this irritated me like none other. I always had to watch carefully to uncheck these options. But back to the Start Menu. I like the new version (Vista and WIn7), which contains all the programs in a single, scroll list. I hated the pop up lists of WinXP. It makes it very easy to find what you need. The dock is a great place to "place" you most used Apps. But if you want to use something else, you have to go through Finder. Finder is very well organized, but I don't want another window open to find an application and then have to close it. But this will all change with OS X Lion, which include Launchpad. When launched, it overlays an iOS like icon grid of your apps. Easy to find, and easy to use.

4. Windows Media Player Vs. iTunes.

I loathe iTunes. But this doesn't mean I love Windows Media Player. While WMP is pretty good, it only handles certain file types. As someone who loves their media, this makes it a difficult program to use solely. iTunes is sloooooooooooooooooooooooooow. It takes forever to launch. It freezes. When you launch it, and there is an update, it won't let you do anything until that annoying little pop-up tells you that you suck for not having the latest iTunes. Here is something I don't understand: For a company that claims to have a better computing experience, why does iTunes suck so much? The iTunes delevopment team doesn't know how to patch the program. Every update, it is a full installer that unistalls your previous iTunes install and then reinstalls it. But it is not just iTunes. It adds in QuickTime, which is required for iTunes; Bonjour, which is for sharing and security holes; and a couple other small installs. The current 32-Bit install is a 77.0 MB download. That is fine for the new install. The download for me to "update" my iTunes is 68.05 MB. The Apple Software Updater is just as shitty. It tries to get you to install Safari and other software that I don't want or need. I also dislike how you have to signed into the iTunes store to be able to do anything to your library. Want to get Album Artwork? Sign in. Download a podcast? Sign in. Bathe in baby unicorn blood? Sign in. WMP is not perfect either. I do use it a lot. It is a pretty good organizer of your media, and it helps that it is tightly intergrated with Windows. I am currently using my Windows laptop, and it taps into my Libraries. So I can customize my Libraries in Windows, and WMP will update itself. That makes it easier. But my biggest gripe with both is that they don't support a unified Lossless codec. Neither supports FLAC. Both have their own lossless codecs that makes it difficult to take your music cross platform, much less streaming. Let's fix this.

5. Home Theater PCs.

Both Windows and OS X computers can be used as pretty good media centers for your home theater. They both have their own software to do this. I like Front Row. It is slick, and easy to navigate. It also lets your watch your iTunes purchased media. Windows Media Center wins this won by a small margin for me. The reason: Netflix integration. I love Netflix. There is also a WMC plugin that lets you switch between WMC and Hulu Desktop. In my household we have subscriptions to both. This gives us access to all the media we can handle. The biggest downsize to a Windows based HTPC is the size. Yes, you can make a small one. But nothing will come close to the Mac Mini. But the Mac Mini is overpriced for old hardware. Is this a tradeoff you are willing to make? I'll take size over old hardware anyday.

6. Pre-built Purchases.

I prefer to build my own desktop. But I know that I will always buy a laptop from a store. I hate how OEMs install all the fucking trials on Windows laptops. I buy my laptop, then spend a day cleaning it up to almost a OEM clean install. But Apple wins this one by far. You turn on the laptop, and you are ready to go. Well, you set up your user name and such, but that is consistent with all computers. Once you finish that, it is ready to rock. I would of course spend some time to customize it the laptop as I want it to be. But I can just use it.

7. Viruses.

Virus. It is an everyday threat, whether it is a organic virus or a computer virus. Windows is more prone to Virus attacks. Why? As of May 2011, Windows commands an 88.67% of the world market share. Think about the Law of Averages. Would you rather have 10 chances to hit a target 5 times, or 100 chances? Everyone would take the 100 chances. This is the same thought with viruses. They are there to do something; take personal info, bank info, etc. Why go after a platform where you have less chance of getting that information? It would be easier because many Mac users don't believe that an Anti Virus is necessary. Apple has always recommended an anti virus, but many people don't believe they do. I guess browse and your own risk. And being smart about what you are doing is a great way to ensure you don't get a virus.

I feel like I could continue for hours. If you are wondering, I am both OS X and Windows. I use my Windows computers more than my Mac. I use my Mac mostly for my photo editing than anything else. I try to keep it free and clear of other programs so I can dedicate most of the 6GBs of RAM to Photoshop. I play games, so I use my Windows desktop for that. I just feel that people should know what they need and want in a computer. People just shouldn't buy a computer cause they feel that one is vastly superior than the other. One bad experience with a slow Windows computer doesn't mean that all Widnows computers are slow. A computer that is 2x or 3x more expensive doesn't mean that it is better. For me? I will always build my own desktop for gaming. But my laptop will be a Macbook Pro. Why? Just a change of pace. I would like an updated Mac to use. It is just what I feel like doing when I have the money. My friend Ricky just recently bought a car, and I suggested to look at a Chevy Impala. He told me this: "No more Chevy. All my past cars have been a Chevy and I just want a change and something different". I agree. A change of pace will do wonders for anyone. I don't prefer one platform over the other, I just know what I am getting out of each.

"I've been wallowing in my own chaotic

And insecure delusions."

Emily.

I was inspired to start this new, personal blog by Emily Larsen. She showed me hers and it gave me a much needed outlet to share my thoughts in a place where either people read them, or they don't. It is much better than Facebook because then I won't be bombarding my friends with everything little thing, which is something that a couple people in my friends list do everyday. This is reserved for those who want to read this, and if you don't want to, then I don't care. This is more for me than it is for you. I have some issues, I'm not going to lie. This will put them on display, and maybe be a self-therapy type of thing. I'm hoping that this will help me understand myself, and help me find the road to a happy place where I resided for a day or two before it all came crashing down. Don't get me wrong. I am happy with WHO I am. I know what I am, and what I'm not. What I want [read: Need] to find is where I fit in this world, and how to become happy with where I am in my life, and not discouraged by every little thing that goes in the opposite direction that I think it is going. But I would like to thank Emily Larsen for this. I have finally found the title that I want, and I will be working on the design of the page as I go along. But the HTML editing on this website is horrendous. I need to go through it more carefully. I wanna edit the CSS, but sadly it won't let me start from scratch. This will have to do for now. If you have any helpful suggestions or hint, please let me know!

Thanks.