Jose and Proposal

So here it is. I’ve been drinking. And it is about time I get some things off my chest. I feel like a loser constantly. I don’t feel like I am good enough for any girl. Yet the biggest piece of advice I get is “be confident. Girls find confidence sexy.” Yeah well how am I supposed to wake up one morning and be like “I’m going to be confident today!” It just don’t work like that. I have been given no reason to be confident. Why should I? I haven’t been on a date in almost 4 years. That is cool if I was like 4 years old. I mean that is almost half a decade. Every time I ask a girl out, she either says yes or no. Simple enough. But the ones who say yes end up standing me up. Why? I can’t answer that. Well, maybe I can. Let’s take a look into this. I don’t feel that I am attractive in any way, shape or form. I have strange hobbies. I am a nerd, to say the least. I have size 0 gauges in my ears, and I have a tattoo in the works that covers about 60% of my left arm. I would rather spend a night in than go out to a bar/club. I am introverted, and I keep to myself most of the time. I am pretty shy around anyone new. Right now, it is difficult to read this. John, Paul, George and Ringo are staring at me. Genevieve is singing to me. I have a pack of smokes on the desk next to me, along with a bottle of mt dew and a bottle of Jose Cuervo Silver. I wonder what life would be like if I had never forced some of the relationships that I had. I tried so hard to make myself believe that a girl would actually like me, that I became a little delusional in my head. I ended an engagement. I dated girls who obviously were just looking for that feeling of being wanted while waiting for something and someone better to come along. I dated a girl who was a hypocrite for the way she went about things in our relationship. I would wait every night to call her and talk to her. I wouldn’t do anything else. At parties, I would just kinda be there, and not enjoy myself. I listened to what she said to me, and then she went against what she just told me. And when I went back to school, it was all over. But why wait until I left? Why? Let me tell you why. So she could tell everyone that I was an asshole who tried to force myself on her. Tell people it was all my fault when I wasn’t there to defend myself. The sad part is, all the people she told that to sided with me.  I found this out when I returned home, and a friend told me this. It’s funny. I gave her everything, and yet it wasn’t good enough. So does this mean that I’m not good enough? To me, yes. I failed as a boyfriend a few times. And the one time I get it somewhat right, I run away. And I opened the door for another guy. I have a theory that you can’t be over your ex until you dated someone else. Well, that has yet to happen. I had a one night stand with a friend. But that wasn’t enough for me. I want to feel connected to someone. I want the person to send me a text message in the morning just to say “Good Morning you”. I want a phone call in the middle of the night from her telling me that she misses me. I want so many things. But some reason I keep fucking up and not being able to find a connection with someone. And when I think I found someone, I find out that I’m just a big fuck up and wrong, once again. I am a strange person. I know this. And right now I would like to thank spell check and auto correct in Word for making this legible to the average person. I love movies. I wish I had more time for them. I am hoping for a free day on Sunday or whenever to get more movies copied to the HTPC. And it is funny. When you have slept with at least two (2) people, you can’t help but make comparisons between those people. I am thinking about that right now. And I must say, one really improved her skills over time. But there are some things that one is better at than the other. I would elaborate, but to protect the innocent, I will not do so. I mean we all know I am horrible in bed and what not. But that is another topic for another time. Jose, you are my best friend. With that, I end this scramble of words that somehow have formed sentences in my drunk mind. I think my mind is more powerful than I thought…. And Facebook keeps giving me adds to meet single girls….